Don't Leave Me This Way
by phaedraphelan
Summary: Sherlock is in a bad way. Can he avoid descending further into self-destructive behavior. We are pained to see our protagonists suffer, but this is their reality.
1. Chapter 1

**"You Will Be My Music ***

 **By phaedraphelan**

Summary: Sherlock has relapsed. What will happen to them now? Can Sherlock put the pieces of his life back together? What will Watson do as her personal life seems to crumble in front of her? This is my second take on Sherlock's relapse and efforts to recover based loosely on events now taking place.

Disclaimer: Elementary is the artistic property of CBS and no infringement is intended.

 **When all the songs are out of tune,**

 **And all the rhymes ring so untrue;**

 **When I don't find the words to say**

 **The thoughts I long to bring to you.**

 **When I hear lonely singers**

 **Who are just as lost as me,**

 **Making noise, not melody.**

 **You will be my music; you will be my song.**

 **You will be my music. I can't wait any longer if** **I'm wrong.**

 **Wanting you is everything. . .**

 **Frank Sinatra, Ol' Blue Eyes Is Back, 1973**

 **Joan Watson sensed on a primeval level what had happened to her man when after calling him to tell him that Alfredo was safe, his phone went dead. There was a sinking feeling of dread that overwhelmed her at that moment.**

 **"Marcus, will you come with me?" Joan asked when they pinged his last phone signal. "I feel that you will understand. Help me, Marcus."**

 **"You know I will," Marcus said as they sat in the squad car, hearing the location where Sherlock likely was. "You love him, Joan, don't you?"**

 **"Yes, I do." Joan's voice broke as she fell apart and rested her head upon Marcus' shoulder. "You are like a brother to me. You see us. You see what has happened to us. It happened before we were even aware of it, Marcus."**

 **"I saw you fall in love with him and I saw him fall in love with you. I ain't blind, girl."**

 **"No matter what . . . I love him, Marcus. I can't walk away from Sherlock in this awful moment. He . . . he is my man, the only one who has ever made me feel everything . . . everything."**

 **"Well, we'd better go and find your man, Watson. Whatever we find can be dealt with, believe me, hon," Marcus said, the affectionate expression coming easily from his lips as he saw this woman that he had come to deeply care for like a sister in such distress.**

 **Joan stopped sobbing as Marcus pulled off and headed to the Bronx where they had last heard the ping of Sherlock's phone.**

 **They found Oscar first at the entrance to the abandoned subway tunnel. He was unconscious, but alive. Marcus called for a bus to take him to hospital. They went on into the tunnel and were greeted by the fetid smell of death.**

 **"Marcus!" Joan cried out, trembling in fear and trepidation at what they were going to find and her knees almost collapsed under her.**

 **"Hey! Hey! Don't, Joan. Come on, girl!" Marcus warned her sternly not to jump to conclusions and then caught her arm just in time to support her and keep her legs from giving way under her.**

 **They discovered the body of Olivia, obviously dead for more than a couple days.**

 **"I'm terrified, Marcus," Joan whispered.**

 **"Keep walking, girl. Just keep walking."**

 **About fifty yards farther into the tunnel, they found Sherlock unconscious with the drug apparatus still in his arm. Joan somehow summoned the strength to pull herself together and immediately began to examine him and to try to revive him. His face was dirty. His trousers were undone and he was completely exposed, having obviously urinated on himself. He came to himself quite dazed, half out of the rest of his clothes, his shirt undone, looking at them as if they were strangers.**

 **Joan gently cleaned his face and pulled his shirt back on him. She carefully pulled his pants together, closed them, feeling compelled to try to preserve what was left of his dignity. She then tenderly put his jacket around him as if he were her little boy.**

 **"It doesn't matter. . . doesn't matter, Joan. Leave me with rest of the crap in here," Sherlock muttered.**

 **"Man, you're comin' outa here now, damn it! We need to take you to hospital," Marcus said in no uncertain terms.**

 **"No hospital . . . no . . ."**

 **"I'll take care of him, Marcus. Just help me get him to the car."**

 **Marcus helped him struggle to his feet and they walked him out. He staggered back to the squad car and Joan got into the back with him.**

 **"Joan . . . Joan . . .sorry . . . so sorry," Sherlock began to sob, pathetic wretched sobs as Joan held him in her arms, rocking him, smoothing his hair, trying to calm him. "I'm no good . . . no good. Go and leave me be, Joan."**

 **"Sherlock . . . baby, it's all right. I am taking you home now."**

 **Marcus eyes filled, hearing Joan's gentle expressions of endearment as she tried to help the broken man she loved, who was sobbing like a little boy in her arms. He knew that he would give anything to have a woman love him as Watson loved Holmes.**

 **When they got to the brownstone in Brooklyn, Marcus and Joan helped Sherlock up the stairs and into the house. Sherlock was so out of it that he was bobbing and weaving, hardly able to place one foot in front of the other.**

 **"Please let's get him into the bathroom. I will clean him up for starters," Joan said. "Will you help me undress him, Marcus?"**

 **Sherlock was drifting in and out of consciousness as they got him undressed and into the shower.**

 **"I think that I can manage from here. Thank you, Marcus . . . more than you could possibly imagine."**

 **Marcus smiled slightly and backed out of the bathroom, surprised at what an outstanding physical specimen of manliness the naked tattooed Sherlock was, even in his semiconscious state, something which was not evident in the tightly wound, buttoned up fellow he was accustomed to seeing routinely.**

 **"I'll let myself out. You know to call us if you need help. I'm only a phone call away."**

 **"Yes, Marcus. Thank you so much."**

 **Joan stripped off her own clothes and got into the shower with Sherlock who was slumped into a corner with the warm water beating down on him. She soaped a cloth with his favorite sandalwood soap and scrubbed him all over, put shampoo on his hair and then stood herself briefly under the cleansing spray with him as the filth of his awful experience ran down the drain. Finally she wrapped a towel around Sherlock, led him into her bedroom because it was closest to the bathroom and dried him off as he sat numbly on the side of her bed. Then she went to find one of his polo shirts and a pair of sweatpants and pulled them on his naked body and covered him with her blanket.**

 **The first twelve hours were a nightmare as the drug exacted its harsh price. Sherlock just lay on Joan's bed, talking out of his head, shaking and scratching his skin raw, sweating and freezing at the same time. Joan held him tightly, helping him ride out the chills that kept coming in rapid succession. He was as sick as a dog and nothing could be done to help him as he vomited repeatedly into the wastebasket that Joan had placed by the bed for his use. His body was already agonizing, craving the drug again and he paid the full price. When Joan sensed that he had finally and mercifully dropped off to sleep, she lay beside him and gave way herself to deep wracking sobs.**

 **In one of his more lucid moments Sherlock heard her crying and his own eyes filled with tears as he lay beside her.**

 **"Just leave me, Watson. I am just no damn good for you."**

 **"I can't stop loving you, Sherlock. I can't stop my feelings for you . . . no matter what."**

 **Sherlock wished more than anything to be able to tell her at that moment that he hated her, that he never wanted to see her again . . . anything to turn her away from him, to make her hate him, but he couldn't make the words come from his mouth. He loved her more than anyone else in the world and he knew that in his heart.**

 **"Leave me be, Watson. I am a worthless piece of humanity. I will only cause you pain."**

 **"Do you want to tell me what happened?"**

 **"God! I . . . I . . . Joan, I couldn't help myself."**

 **"Yes, you could. And you will do it. You had been clean for three years."**

 **"What happened to me, Joan? Why wasn't I strong enough? What is wrong with me? How could I have been so . . . so incredibly stupid as to let Oscar set me up like that?"**

 **Sherlock's voice broke and he began to sob again pitifully into Joan's bosom, instinctively feeling for the softness of her breasts with the tips of his fingers. Joan did not push him away but pulled up her top and held him close so that Sherlock's lips could find her breasts and he suckled and suckled as she stroked his forehead to soothe him.**

 **"Oh, Sherlock, baby, my poor baby . . . my poor baby," Joan said over and over, weeping the whole time that she held him at her breast, her sadness and all of the compassion in her heart for him welling up over and over again.**

 **Finally, after her breasts had comforted him as nothing else had been able to do, Joan covered him up again and went to make tea and toast for him.**

 **"I'll go make tea to settle your stomach, and a little dry toast."**

 **Joan got up and went downstairs to make tea. She was still crying silently the whole time, feeling ill from the stress of the circumstances they found themselves in. When she came back upstairs with the tea, Sherlock had left her bed. She found him up on the roof sitting quietly in a far corner.**

 **She handed him his tea and he took it without comment. He was deep in the throes of his disappointment with himself, unable to fully process himself why he had relapsed. In spite of everything, he hated himself the most for failing Watson. He could hardly look into her eyes now, and yet in his heart he remembered the comfort of Joan's breasts and he wanted and needed her with him more than anything.**

 **Sherlock spent the next two days mostly on the roof or in his bed, hardly speaking. Joan brought him food which he did not eat, tea which he hardly tasted. The more he contemplated what had happened, the more he withdrew into a shell that was so tightly closed that it seemed impossible to penetrate it.**

 **Joan got the call that his father was in town to check on him. She recognized him immediately when she opened the door to the more solid older version of Sherlock, Morland Holmes.**

 **"My son, what happened to my son, Dr. Watson? He was doing so well."**

 **Joan took him up to the roof to see Sherlock but Sherlock refused to talk with him.**

 **"I will come back in a couple of days. He obviously isn't ready to see me now. I understand," Morland Holmes said as he quietly retreated.**

 **He did return in two days, and this time Sherlock received him, but coldly, with no apparent emotion.**

 **"Do to me what you want, father. I don't care what happens now. I just want Joan Watson taken care of and compensated."**

 **Mr. Holmes came back to Joan at his wit's end.**

 **"He is my only remaining son. He is the only one capable of giving me an heir. Wherever Mycroft is, his ability to produce an heir was severely compromised by the chemotherapy treatments he endured. I cannot bear to see Sherlock slip through my fingers like this. Will you help him, Dr. Watson? I will pay you handsomely."**

 **"I will help him, sir, but not on a monetary basis. You see Sherlock and I have a . . . a personal relationship now."**

 **"My son?"**

 **"Yes, your son. We didn't choose it to happen, but it did happen, and I cannot do anything but stay by his side and help him through this. I care for him, I . . . love him that much."**

 **Morland Holmes went back up to the roof and approached his son.**

 **"This woman, Dr. Watson, Joan, is willing to help you recover. She appears to be a fine woman in every way. I must say also that she is uncommonly beautiful. She stated that you are involved beyond your work. Am I to understand that the two of you have a sexual relationship?"**

 **"If you must know, she is my partner . . . in every way. We were having coitus regularly of late. Of course I am sure that she will reject any further liaison with me in view of my relapse. I am in no wise worth her company now."**

 **"Sherlock, I would hope you would have left the profligacy of your life with whores and other loose women. I would strongly advise you to try to pull yourself together from this. You have three months, Sherlock. I will expect a positive report by then. Your . . . your Dr. Watson can make regular reports to my attention. There is no need that you or she may have that will not continue to be taken care of."**

 **He turned to leave Sherlock but then stopped for a moment and turned back to face his son. "Dr. Watson is obviously a brilliant young woman. Treat her with all deference and respect. I would hope that she also has a forgiving spirit. It would be the worst mistake of your life to mistreat this woman, as apparently she is my only hope for progeny. I will remain in New York for the next few weeks to take care of other matters and see that you are truly on your way to recovery."**

 **Sherlock did not answer his father, but continued to stare vacantly across the water into the sunset. His father reluctantly left the roof and went back down to take his leave from Joan.**

 **"I bid you farewell for the moment. We will be in contact. And I am thankful that my son is in your hands."**

 **Joan's eyes filled with tears at that moment and she broke down completely, bent over double sobbing. Sherlock's father reached out awkwardly to her to touch her shoulders, when faced with Joan's breakdown and Joan simply buried her face in the wool front of his coat till she could compose herself in the face of this man who had as much difficulty expressing his emotions as his son.**

 **"Please do not give up on my son. I confess that have always loved him in a special way. His mother and I . . . we loved each other very much. But she was Mycroft's governess and I took advantage of the situation. She was not of the aristocracy, but she was brilliant and beautiful and my son Sherlock was my gift from her. I took him from her when he was but an infant and raised him, denying him the benefit of his mother's love and training. I see that that was wrong now, but it is too late to change the past. I see Sherlock and I see myself and I want him to succeed in his life."**

 **"I will do all within my power to help Sherlock through this, sir. I love him as I never thought possible to love anyone. And for that reason I can't allow you to hurt him."**

 **"I approve you, Dr. Watson, for my son. I just hope that you can help him out of this quagmire he finds himself in. Please fell free to call anytime to give me the status of matters. I will be at my hotel, The Chatwal, for the next several weeks and then back to London."**

 **Holmes' father handed his card to Joan, tipped his hat to her and took his leave.**

 **Joan went back up the stairs to the roof to Sherlock. She felt as if all her strength had drained from her, every bit of emotional energy. The stress of the previous week had taken a tremendous toll on her. She had nothing left whatsoever. Seeing Sherlock's father had brought together to her everything about Sherlock, everything that she loved and needed so about Sherlock in a moment. She felt as if she were on automatic pilot as she made tea and carried it up to the roof to Sherlock. He was still sitting in that same chair.**

 **"Sherlock, try to drink some tea."**

 **"Thank you, Watson. Please just put it down and leave me. I am not fit company for someone like you."**

 **Joan began to tremble uncontrollably, the cup and saucer rattling in her hand as she placed it next to Sherlock and her eyes filled with tears.**

 **"Please . . . I really need you to hold me, Sherlock. It all is coming down on me and I need you to be my Sherlock. I'm feeling so very bad right now. I feel like I have a case of PTSD. I need to know that you understand that I love you no matter what, that I will not ever give up on you."**

 **Sherlock looked at her now, as if seeing her for the first time realizing how his actions had hurt her, reached out for her and drew her down onto his lap. That is when Joan fell apart completely, trembling and sobbing and shaking in his arms.**

 **"You are not feeling well now and I am totally to blame. I'm such a total arse."**

 **Sherlock put his hand on her hip and his hand slipped down to involuntarily squeeze her flank lightly. Touching her this way seemed to ignite all the feelings he harbored in his heart for her, but he felt so totally worthless that he made no further sensual gesture, but instead just shook his head as desire for her surged in the pit of his belly.**

 **"I dare not impose myself on you after all the trouble I have caused you this week. I have been an insufferable bastard. And you are so strong, Joan."**

 **"Sherlock, I love you . . . and I was so sick with worry. All my strength is gone now I think it's all just coming down on me. And I feel so weak inside now. I need you, Sherlock. I need you to help me be strong for you. I feel as if we are both so broken."**

 **Sherlock kissed her tenderly on her cheek and forehead as she clung to him.**

 **Joan continued to tremble in his arms, weeping, her emotions giving way to all the pain in her heart for her broken man as she clung to him. At that moment Sherlock sensed the depth of her need and, as his manly nature came completely to the fore, he finally began to try to express his feelings to her again. His body that had been dead, numb to any sensation for days suddenly came alive and he was powerfully aroused by her.**

 **"Thank you for coming to find me . . . and for bringing me home . . . and for still being willing to be with me. Would you please take me to your bed and touch me the way that you do? Joan, I don't deserve to be with you, but I am desperately in need of intimacy with you at this moment."**

 **Joan looked at Sherlock and realized that tears were rolling down his face as he held her and she continued to sob as well, trembling in his arms as they held on to each other for dear life. Finally Joan lifted her face to his and their lips met in a kiss that was salty with their mingled tears, at first tender and then became so passionate that it went on and on and on till Sherlock's hands began to search and urgently rub her thighs and hips.**

 **"Sherlock, I think we need to go downstairs now."**

 **Joan stood up from his lap and Sherlock got up and took her hand and led her back into the house and down the stairs to Joan's bedroom. They went into the room together and stood facing each other for a long moment.**

 **"May I undress you, luv? Please, I need to undress you and . . . and touch you and feel your hands on me . . . and be with you," Sherlock said so softly that his voice was barely above a whisper, asking for permission to make love to her. "I would understand if you never wanted to see me again. Forgive me for falling so far short of the man I want to be for you. I have so disappointed you, but I need to be with you."**

 **"You may undress me. You may do whatever you need to do to me, Sherlock. You have ruined me for anyone else but you. Do as you wish, baby. I cannot refuse you."**

 **Sherlock shed his clothes and then piece by piece he took off Joan's clothing and hugged her tightly for what seemed like forever, letting the sensation of their bare flesh touching capture them both. Then he picked her up in his arms and laid her gently on the bed.**

 **"I am sorry, Joan . . . so sorry that I wasn't strong enough. I wanted to be strong for you." Sherlock's voice broke into sobs again as his hands began to rove all over her body, caressing her breasts and then her belly with just his fingertips. "Please forgive me, luv, and give me the comfort of your flesh again. I need to know that you can still love me, that I am not worthless in your eyes. Just say it if you no longer want me and you know that I will not force myself on you. I will leave and you will never be troubled by my again. Tell me, Joan, please tell me I am not worthless in your eyes."**

 **"No, Sherlock! No! You mean more to me than anyone I have ever known."**

 **When Sherlock gently touched her thighs, Joan guided Sherlock's hand to caress her and they both gasped in ecstasy in that moment; Joan, because she wanted and needed him so badly; Sherlock, because he felt all of Joan's love surrounding him and permeating his very soul as he carefully arranged himself on top of her to take her.**

 **"Joan . . . please allow me . . . your wretched Sherlock, your foolish wretched lover . . .your Sherlock needs you desperately."**

 **"Yes! Yes, Sherlock," Joan whispered, "whatever you need, whatever you want, baby! I need you too, in the worst way."**

 **They both gasped at that moment as their bodies joined. Then they began to shake helplessly, crying the whole time as their bodies merged and fused and began to undulate slowly in the rhythm of the ages. All the emotions that had assaulted them over the past days came to a peak in them and they groaned out in anguish as each of Sherlock's thrusts found its perfect mark deep inside Joan.** **Yes! Yes! Sherlock, yes! Oh, Sherlock, my baby!"**

 **"Thank you, Joan. Thank you, my sweetheart," Sherlock groaned as they rocked together in perfect intercourse for the next several minutes. "Is this what you need, luv? I'm so sorry . . . so sorry. Forgive me . . . please."**

 **"I forgive you, baby. I can't help loving you so. Ooh, Sherlock!"**

 **Joan was coming close to climax, trembling helplessly in his embrace.**

 **When Sherlock felt the amazing sensation of Joan's flesh in spasm, clasping and clinging to him inside her, he cried out in ecstasy.**

 **"Dear God, what am I feeling is what I feel only with you! Joan! Joan!"**

 **"Sherlock . . . It's you, all . . . all of you! And it's me . . . all of me!"**

 **Suddenly Joan began to vibrate and shake out of control, digging her nails deep into Sherlock's flesh, her eyes rolling back into her head as the climax seized her.**

 **"Joan, I love you!"**

 **"Oh, Sherlock . . . baby. . . yes! Yes!"**

 **"Oh, God help me! Please, woman, don't ever leave me!" Sherlock cried from the depths of his heart as he saw her so overcome.**

 **"I can't! I can't leave you! Ooh, Sherlock!" Joan moaned and gasped as frissons of pleasure continued to surge through and through her in that supreme moment as she fluttered like a butterfly in his embrace. "I . . . I love you . . . so much, baby!"**

 **"Please God . . . please! Oh, God! Help us through this, God!"**

 **Sherlock snorted and grunted between sobs as his release came. But when he felt Joan's moment of capitulation once again and he knew that she was still the woman who loved him more than anyone or anything in the world, he broke down completely in pathetic wracking sobs upon her bosom as his spasms of release took him and his semen spilled into her in spurt after spurt.**

 **They finally lay exhausted and incoherent together, whispering and murmuring words that neither had ever said even in their most passionate moments.**

 **"Forgive me . . . please forgive me. I need you so badly. I can't make it . . . without you, Joanie. Ooh . . . Luv!"**

 **"Sherlock . . . I cannot let you go . . . cannot let you go."**

 **Finally they dropped off into exhausted sleep and it was morning when Joan was wakened by Sherlock kissing her on her shoulders and neck, his head next to hers on her pillow.**

 **"Thank you, dearest Joan, for loving me last night."**

 **"I hope that you are feeling better."**

 **"I know that I feel better, luv, after your attending to me last night. Joan, are you . . . less stressed?"**

 **"Yes, I . . . felt like I was going to lose my mind. I needed you so, so much. I needed you."**

 **Sherlock smiled gently at Joan and reached to smooth her long hair from her face before he kissed her forehead.**

 **"Do you think we could have some tea in a little while and then will you go to a meeting with me later on? I dare not miss a meeting now, Joan."**

 **Joan lay silently beside Sherlock for a long while before she spoke again.**

 **"I am glad to have met your father, Sherlock."**

 **"He is not the warmest man you will ever meet by far."**

 **"He loves you. You are his favorite son, despite what you may think. He told me so himself. He is quite handsome, Sherlock. He reminds me of you actually."**

 **"He feels that I am his last hope for 'issue' perhaps."**

 **"We have spoken on this recently. Do you want to be a father?"**

 **"Do you want to be a mother?" Sherlock patted Joan on her flat belly. "I will give you whatever you desire. Would a child of your own give you a measure of happiness?"**

 **"I do not want to be a mother without a husband. And you have always said that you don't believe in marriage."**

 **"I would never impregnate you and leave you without the legal protection of my name. That is not something that I would ever do. As it is, all that I have will be yours when my death, albeit premature comes."**

 **"This is a ridiculous conversation in view of what we have just been through."**

 **"My father wants an grandchild, issue to carry forth the family name. He asked if we were involved. He probably sees you as his only real hope in that department."**

 **"He as much as asked me the same thing . . . in a very polite way."**

 **"If you ever want to do that, do not tell me. Just toss the birth control pills and we will let nature take its course."**

 **Joan stared at Sherlock, trying to understand where they were going. The last week had been so turbulent and painful for both of them that to even discuss such mundane aspects of their domestic sexual life in this context seemed surreal. It seemed ridiculous to talk on this at this time. Instead Joan reached for him, drawing him on top of her to take her as his woman again.**

 **Soon they were making love again, desperately, passionately with both of them crying and sobbing for joy as they realized that the powerful sexual bond that they had forged was still intact. Finally they lay quiet in bed and just held hands and caressed each other's cheeks as they stared into each other's eyes.**

 **"I need to call Marcus and let him know that you . . .you are going to be okay."**

 **Joan moved to get out of bed, but Sherlock caught her by her hand and drew her back into his arms.**

 **"I am grateful to you for standing by me, Joan, through all of this. Please don't leave me now. I . . . I have such need of you. Just lie here with me for a while longer and let me breathe you in."**

 **Sherlock's eyes were full and he looked very tired and pale with dark circles under his eyes, despite having slept several hours. The effects of his ordeal were still heavy upon him. The worst of the craving for drugs had subsided, but he was still weak and quite rattled, his confidence in himself badly shaken.**

 **"You appear to be tired, Sherlock. Why don't you just stay in bed and I will bring you tea and toast in bed."**

 **"Joan, you please stay close to me today. I don't want tea or toast. I just need you. I don't want to be alone. I feel such a lack of confidence in my sobriety right now."**

 **"I will stay close by. You rest, baby."**

 **"Please hold me to your lovely breasts and just let me suckle, Joan. I need the comfort of your udders so much . . . please."**

 **Joan climbed back into bed with Sherlock, took him in her arms and held him to her breasts. Sherlock turned his attention to finding the solace he craved at Joan's breasts and quickly fell asleep, Joan kissing his face and smoothing his ruffled hair as he slept in her arms.**


	2. Chapter 2

**You Will Be My Music Chapter two**

 **By phaedraphelan**

 **Summary: This is pure fabrication for Joanlock fans. We really need to see the light at the end of that dark tunnel.**

 **Disclaimer: Elementary is the artistic property of CBS and no infringement is intended.**

 **For the next several days Sherlock and Joan struggled to regain the ground he had lost when he relapsed into heroin use. Sherlock was still very discouraged with himself and alternated between talking about his failure and dark moody periods when he withdrew to the roof and wanted only the comfort of the sound of his bees. They went to meetings nearly every day where Sherlock subjected himself to the self examination and positive reinforcement of the group.**

 **Joan went to see Dr. Candace Reed, her therapist, to try to figure out her situation with Sherlock.**

 **"I need to talk, Candace. This last week has been a nightmare. Sherlock relapsed. He took heroin again."**

 **"I'm shocked, Joan. His sobriety seemed quite secure."**

 **"It was, but he was forced into a situation that exposed him to unusual pressure to relapse." Joan broke town in tears at that point as she recounted the details of Sherlock's relapse.**

 **"And the effect upon the two of you? Do you still love him, Joan?"**

 **"Yes, I love him. I thought seeing him relapse would change my feelings for him, but it only has made me incredibly protective of him. Where does that leave me? I held him in my arms and he cried like a baby and suckled at my breasts like his life depended on it."**

 **Joan continued to rock and cry as she recalled the terror of seeing Sherlock relapsed.**

 **"I almost lost him, Candace. I almost lost the only man I have ever really loved!"**

 **"Joan, you realize as I do that drug addiction is really a chronic illness, one that can resurface when there is a trigger of some sort. If you are committed to Sherlock, this is something you must consider. Are you ready to commit to him to that extent?"**

 **"I cannot think of leaving him. I love him too much to leave him. After he came down from the high, I took him back, Candace. He wanted, he needed intercourse and I must admit that I wanted and needed it too. I lay down with him. He needed me to be with him, to reassure him that I was still confident in him, in his strength as a man. And I needed him just because I needed him. Since the relapse, he has been in such need of me. I cannot refuse him. I just can't."**

 **"That is your decision to make. Some things don't change when you love someone. You must follow your heart and take care of your man. Addiction is a sickness. He is like a diabetic who has overdosed on sugar. Deciding to help him back to health when you are in a relationship with him is a major decision. But he is yours now, for better or worse, Joan. If ever the two of you want sessions together, I will be glad to help."**

 **Back at the brownstone Sherlock clung to Joan as never before, his passions insatiable. She was his lifeline, the high from his passionate episodes with her the only thing that made him forget the high from drugs these days. No drug high had ever eclipsed the mind blowing effect of orgasm with Joan.**

 **When they were not at sobriety meetings, they spent hours in bed, exploring the limits of their sexuality. These days Sherlock's libido came to full tilt as soon as he thought of Joan and he would become so aroused that he would have to have her, his flesh so aroused that he could do nothing but go looking for Joan so that he could beg to connect again sexually with her.**

 **"God, I need you, woman," he murmured behind Joan as she stood at the kitchen sink as he pressed against her and rubbed her sides up and down as he moved his excited flesh urgently against her. "Forgive my lustful nature, but I seem to have lost control. I'm so aroused right now. I just see you . . . your arse and your breasts, and I . . . I need you again. You are my lifeline, luv."**

 **"Um, Sherlock, I was making some tea for us."**

 **"Do I need tea right now, luv? I am so aroused that I can think of only one thing . . . you holding me inside you. I beg you to have mercy on me."**

 **He bent to nibble on Joan's** **neck as he pushed against her hips and the sensation made her insides quiver with desire.**

 **"Please want this, luv. I can tell you want it too," he said as he began to push her tights out of the way** **so that he could squeeze the bare flesh of her hips and touch her intimately.**

 **"Yes, I do. You know that I do, Sherlock."**

 **"See, see how excited you are! Oh, Joan . . . Joan," he murmured as they came together even as they stood there.**

 **Joan moaned as she began to move upon him in the way that brought delight to both of them, helpless in the face of the passion between them. Sherlock had awakened every passionate urge that she had ever had and her body was as needy as his now, her appetite for sexual contact more powerful than it had ever been in her life.**

 **"Yes . . . Yes, Ooh, Sherlock!" Joan was trembling with desire for him.**

 **Sherlock picked her up and took her over to the chair that had become one of their favorite places to enjoy each other and Joan eagerly got onto him and they began to move back and forth in the rhythm they knew so well as they reached for the climax together, grunting and gasping. Sherlock had pulled off her top so that she was bare to him and he squeezed and sucked her breasts as they moved in synchrony. Staring directly into each others dilated pupils in the heights of ecstasy, Sherlock and Joan easily found a perfect rhythm together.**

 **"Ooh, Sherlock, Sherlock," Joan cried out as her pelvis began to jerk upon his in the moments approaching the climax. "Help me, baby, Sherlock!"**

 **Sherlock's features contorted in the agonized ecstasy as his upward thrusts took the two of them over the top and his semen shot upward to its mark.**

 **"God help us!" Sherlock cried as the blessed moment of release came in a blinding flash of lights as Joan capitulated, surrendering to him completely.**

 **Joan lay exhausted upon him on the chair, Sherlock's semen running from her,** **both of them dripping with sweat, as they slowly began to come down to earth again.**

 **"You are so beautiful when you come apart the way that you do, luv, when your own lust takes you over."**

 **"I'm not lusty. I just love you. And I do love this chair, you know," Joan whispered.**

 **"I've never had coitus with anyone other than you on this chair. And you are a lusty woman. Don't deny the fact of it. You always love this as much as I do," Sherlock teased gently as Joan blushed in his arms. "Tell me you lust for me the way I lust for you. I want to hear the words."**

 **"I do lust for you . . . to feel you inside me."**

 **Sherlock smiled and kissed her passionately at her confession and hugged her tightly.**

 **"So this is our chair, ummm?"**

 **"Yes, it is ours. I'm done, Joan. I want no one but you."**

 **Joan lay upon his chest as Sherlock continued to squeeze her hips tightly as at the same time he kissed her open mouth thoroughly, relishing the taste of her.**

 **"May I have more, Joanie?" Sherlock asked seductively.**

 **"More of what?"**

 **"More of you, luv . . . more . . ." Sherlock whispered as he continued to kiss her all over her face. "Can't you see that I can't get enough, luv. I'm in a state of constant arousal, as are you, luv."**

 **"Yes, Sherlock, yes! Give me more. I want more."**

 **Sherlock picked Joan up in his arms and carried her off to his bedroom, laid her on his bed, where Joan joyously gave herself anew to him. They were both still hot, sweat running from their armpits, their bodies drenched with the secretions of their lovemaking, their nostrils full of their own intoxicating scents as Sherlock crouched over her to take her again.**

 **"Please, luv . . . You know why I can't get enough of you, don't you? It's the only thing that takes the craving for heroin away. When I relapsed, all of my self esteem left me in that moment, all of my strength as a man to be what I needed to be for you as a woman fled in that filthy subway tunnel. And then you came for me . . . and took me home and let me be a man again in your arms. When you allowed me to be inside you again that first time, you saved me, Joan. You saved my life in that moment when you cried my name as you came my arms."**

 **Sherlock broke down in thankful tears in Joan's embrace, kissing her tenderly over and over upon her face and neck and upon her breasts.**

 **"Oh, God, Joan . . . dear God!"**

 **"Take me, Sherlock . . . take me all the way with you again, baby!"**

 **"Sweet Jesus, yes! Yes!"**

 **And with that Sherlock took her again and carried her to that place of exquisite pleasure once again and then again.**

 **By afternoon Sherlock and Joan were finally sated and, after taking the time for a long nap, they showered together, dressed and went out to his sobriety meeting. Joan had struck a deal with herself regarding Sherlock. As long as he would be diligent in attendance at his sobriety meetings, she promised herself that she would be available sexually to him with no restrictions of any kind. She knew that she wanted him as much as he wanted her, their physical attraction drawing them together in intercourse again and again. She had to face the truth of her own feelings for Sherlock whatever the consequences. She was in too deep to do anything but love him at this point.**

 **Joan sat in the waiting area while Sherlock attended his meeting. She was happy to see him making the effort to regain the ground he had lost in the debacle with Oscar. It seemed that his dark depressed mood still was pressing on him mu** **ch of the time and the only thing that seemed to lift it was when he was involved intimately with her. Gregson had refrained from referring cases to them for the time being so they had used the time to focus completely on one another.**

 **As Sherlock and Joan rode home in a taxi that evening after the meeting, Sherlock reached for her, running his hand gently up her inner thigh and Joan clasped his hand there.**

 **"Please, Sherlock, you know I can't resist you."**

 **"And neither can I you, luv. Visions of your flesh constantly bombard my mind. Thank you for sticking with me through all of this awful time. I would be dead if it were not for you. I know that."**

 **Sherlock lay his head upon Joan's bosom as he embraced her hips with one hand and Joan simply smoothed his hair as his hand worked its magic. The sensation of her very passionate man lying on her breasts with his sensitive fingers titillating her was so intense that Joan nearly swooned.**

 **"Ohh, Sherlock . . .umm," Joan was losing control, beginning to shake in his arms. "Please, we will be home soon and I will attend to you."**

 **"I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough to resist that awful pull. I lost so much ground. I thought that I could handle what Oscar did, but I couldn't handle it. I have to recognize that I have a sickness and that I must follow the rules and avoid all triggers. Help me be humble enough to know that I can't win, that I can't test myself with that vile drug."**

 **"Sherlock, I am here to help you through all those times. Just don't walk away from me when those times come upon you again."**

 **"Do you realize that had Oscar known how much I love you, he might have captured you and tied you up somewhere? If I had not known that you were safe, I would have killed him up there in the Bronx. If I had thought for a moment that he had harmed you, my life would mean nothing to me and he would have been a dead man."**

 **"Please don't ever kill because of me, Sherlock. You are not a killer."**

 **"You don't realize how much I love you, do you? This is not just sexual. I love you more than anything or anyone, Joan. Last year when you were kidnapped I came as close to killing a man as I have ever been.**

 **"Don't you know that those moments when I am with you and we 'come' the way we do are more mind-blowing than any drug high? No woman ever made me feel what I feel when I am inside you, luv. It's like that song says 'every time I think of you I have to catch my breath.' I have such a bad case of you, Joan, and there is only one remedy for it."**

 **"Oh, Sherlock," Joan whispered, her whole being so infused with the love she felt for him that she was trembling in his embrace. "We need to be at home now. Wait just a few more minutes and I will take care of you."**

 **"I'll wait till we get home, but you must know that I can barely contain myself. I don't want to wait another minute. I will never forget that first time we came together. It was that first touch. When I put my hands on you, it was all over. The arousal shot from my genitalia up my spine and exploded in my brain like a shot from a cannon, and I was done. We had put that moment off for so long and we were both so ready . . . so ready."**

 **"Like we are now, Sherlock. I tried to keep from wanting you, but I could not help my feelings."**

 **"I tried to resist you too. I thought I would shock you, but then I was shocked myself by my reaction in my flesh. I did want you, more than I had ever wanted anyone or anything in my whole life and I keep wanting you, Joan."**

 **Sherlock leaned down, finding her lips so that he could kiss her there in that taxi as it pulled up to the brownstone. The kiss was so deeply passionate that they forgot that they were almost home.**

 **"Sir, I think this it," the taxi driver said, coughing to get the attention of his passengers who were so obviously lost in their own mysteries.**

 **Sherlock and Joan quickly pulled themselves and hurried into their house, their haven. As soon as they were inside the house, Sherlock pressed Joan up against their favorite spot on the hallway wall, kissing her and pressing himself against her rhythmically, lost in his passions, at the same time loosening his belt and trousers so that he could take her at that moment.**

 **"Please attend to me, Joan. I love you so much!"**

 **Joan melted against him, reaching to touch him and caress him intimately causing him to cry out in ecstasy, snorting like a wild bull in a frenzy, as he picked her up and carried her to his bed where he pulled off her clothes so that he could kiss her all over her body and then in a frenetic moment, loosened her hair to fall down upon him in an ebony curtain, as he begged her to take him inside her again.**

 **"Please, Joan, beautiful, beautiful Joan!"**

 **"Yes! Yes, Sherlock! Yes!" Joan cried his name as he took her powerfully at that moment, giving all of herself to him in a blinding instant of ecstasy.**

 **They were both gone completely from that moment, grinding and rotating together, panting, Joan crying out in ecstasy and Sherlock growling and panting on her till the climax came, that moment of temporary insanity when Joan scratched and bit Sherlock, when her eyes rolled back into her head and they both just saw all the stars of the galaxy exploding in their brains at the same time.**

 **"Oh, God! Dear God! Woman!" Sherlock shouted as his release came in spurt after spurt of his life force.**

 **Sherlock caught Joan up to his heart as she slid into surrender. She had capitulated in that moment, conquered completely.**

 **"Yes . . . baby . . . yes," Joan gasped, hardly able to speak, caught up in the throes of rapture.**

 **"I love you, woman. . . love you. Oh, God, I love you so," Sherlock sobbed as the last of his life force surged from him and they were finally left babbling incoherent love words in each other's arms.**

 **Later that evening Sherlock got up from bed and went to work at his desk for the first time since his relapse. There was a case there still waiting on a solution from before the debacle with Oscar, and he found his mind suddenly so clear again that he was glad to be able to focus on the case for a while.**

 **Sherlock had left Joan in his bed, completely exhausted from his powerful use of her earlier. He stopped for a few minutes from his musings on the case and let images of Joan float freely through his mind, images of Joan in ecstasy, lost in her passions, giving him what he never thought he would receive from any woman and tears flooded his eyes as he realized how close he had come to losing her and even losing his own life down that rabbit hole of addiction.**

 **"God help me," the man who never professed belief in a higher power begged quietly. "Please, God, if you are there, if you exist, help me do what is right. Help me. I love her so much. Help me love myself enough to be what she needs," he whispered in an undertone.**

 _ **When I am with her in that moment when my seed leaves me, I always cry out to God rather than curse or swear. I know that what I am feeling is from some source higher than me. I am so lost in my need for her. Intimacy with her is what has kept me from relapsing. Those moments, that sexual high is stronger than any drug high. Now that we are together I cannot imagine the way it was before. She is helping me through this terrible time with the gift of her flesh. I could not have made it without her picking me up and carrying me the way that she has. I don't want to ever be without her. Now I am compelled to face the real truth that she is the love of my life. I have always thought love to be of mere human construct, but I realize that to no longer be a sound thesis. I cannot imagine myself with anyone else but Joan. I want her to touch me, to caress my flesh, to . . . to hold my hand and rub my fingertips with her own.**_

 _ **I thought that erotic love was somehow less than the other aspects of love till I found Joan. In her I find my mate intellectually, emotionally, physically and in every other way. I knew that something was missing from when we met and began to work together, but now I know that it was the erotic need that craved fulfillment. No other woman has truly satisfied me till Joan and I came together sexually. I love her so deeply. Oh, God, whoever you are, do you know how much I love this woman?**_

 **Sherlock finally forced his attention back to the matters at hand and drew up certain hypotheses about the case before he finally went up to the roof to relax with his bee colony for the rest of the evening.**

 **The next day Marcus came to check on Sherlock and Joan. Gregson didn't want to quickly pull Sherlock's credentials but he wanted to wait to see how Sherlock weathered his relapse before using him again. Marcus had last seen Sherlock drugged and dazed and naked in his own bathtub, unable to even cover himself. And he had seen the fear in Joan's eyes, the hopelessness as she had tried to preserve what shreds of human dignity Sherlock had left.**

 **It was a radiant Joan who opened the door to Marcus Bell, a far cry from the devastated woman he had left two weeks previous.**

 **"Marcus is here, Sherlock, and fresh tea is made."**

 **Joan welcomed Marcus into the study and Sherlock ca** **me in. He was still rather pale and drawn and seemed somewhat shaky, but his eyes had regained their alertness and when they locked with Joan's, there was no doubt that they were working through the problem together.**

 **"Marcus, thank you for stopping by to see about me. I deeply apologize for my terrible lapse and all the problems it caused. I am back at my meetings and with Joan's help I am convinced that I will be able to maintain my sobriety."**

 **"Understood, Sherlock. The captain wanted me to check by and let you folks know that he will begin giving you cases again soon if you feel you are ready."**

 **"It's up to Joan. Whenever she feels comfortable, I am. I will let that be her call."**

 **"He needs to get back to work, Marcus. He's like a fish out of water now."**

 **"Well, you know that I only want what is best for both of you. I'm glad you're okay, Sherlock. Take care of this woman. She's one in a million. I'll see you two later. Thanks for the tea."**

 **Joan closed the door behind Marcus and went back to Sherlock in the study.**

 **"So do you feel like working cases again?"**

 **"Yes, I do. I fear that if I don't get back to work, I will literally exhaust you with my . . . my passionate urges. I have been on you like a wild man for days now. It's not just passion, Joan. You do know that I take our relationship with the utmost seriousness. I love you so much. But it seems that you are the thing that stabilizes me more than anything else these days since my relapse. I have only to think of you and all my desire for any drug leaves me."**

 **Joan's eyes filled as she stood embracing him as she stood behind him at his desk.**

 **"Come sit on my lap, luv. I want your scent to surround me. I want to inhale you. Please tell me that you will not tire of my constant attentiveness to you."**

 **Joan sat on Sherlock's lap and drew up her legs so that he could cradle her in his arms and bury his face in her bosom.**

 **"I will never tire of your loving me the way that you do. You are my man. There is no other man for me, Sherlock. I told your father that I love you. I had to let him know."**

 **"And what was his reaction to that news?"**

 **"He seemed to absorb it, seemed to understand."**

 **"Perhaps because I had told him that we have coitus."**

 **"You told him that we have intercourse!" Joan pulled away from him in surprise. "How could you tell him that like that!"**

 **"Because it's the truth, luv. You and I, we are bound together as much as any married couple, perhaps more than many. Now when I think of physical intimacy, I only think of you . . . your lips, your breasts, your hips . . . swaying the way they do. Were he to see us together my father would not ask us such a question. It would be obvious to him. I see you now and your beauty radiates from you in a glow of satisfaction that tells anyone that you are receiving the full attention of your mate."**

 **"Am I your mate, Sherlock?" Joan asked softly.**

 **"What does it feel like when I am inside you, luv? Would a piece of paper make you more my mate?"**

 **"I have no way of knowing the answer to that question."**

 **"Then we will likely find out the answer to that question in due time," Sherlock said as his lips closed over Joan's in a tender kiss.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Don't Leave Me This Way Chapter 3**

 **By phaedraphelan**

 **Summary: How does this change in their lives affect them as Sherlock recovers from his relapse?**

 **Disclaimer: Elementary is the artistic property of CBS and no infringement is intended.**

 **Sherlock and Joan were elated at finding out that Joan had conceived. For the first few days they just lay in bed most of the time, talking intimately, trying to come to terms with the impending event in their lines. Joan had not yet visited an OB/GYN but the fact of the pregnancy made itself more and more evident in her body. When Joan's period did not arrive on schedule, that was the final conclusive evidence.**

 **Sherlock wakened Joan on the day her period was due with a gentle kiss and hug.**

 **"So that lovely perfect timekeeper in your ovaries has given its final answer, Joan."**

 **"I am so very pregnant, Sherlock. Even though it is so early, I feel so full."**

 **Sherlock drew Joan over onto his chest and smoothed her hair back from her face as he tenderly kissed her face over and over again.**

 **"I love you so, Joan. I feel that I must tell you again and again. Seeing you and knowing what is going on in your belly simply overwhelms me."**

 **Joan smiled at Sherlock, that secret satisfied smile that Sherlock had seen several times since she found herself pregnant by him.**

 **"What are you thinking when you smile like that, luv," Sherlock asked softly.**

 **"I was wondering why having your baby growing in me makes me feel so powerful as a woman."**

 **"It's because that is your power. You are carrying my seed. I gave it to you, but you took it and you will nurture it inside you and bring it to birth and put it in my arms. That is your woman's power, luv."**

 **Sherlock kissed Joan's breasts very tenderly, aware of their sensitivity in her pregnant state, and then he kissed her belly over and over as Joan ran her hands through his chestnut locks.**

 **"Let's go to the courthouse and get a marriage license so that we can get married, Joan. I want you as my wife. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever known and you have completely conquered me and made me a believer in monogamy. Please marry me, woman."**

 **"Sherlock. . . Oh, Sherlock," Joan murmured softly as they lost themselves in each other again.**

 **"Please say yes to me. I know my deficits, that I have many, but I beg you to accept me." Sherlock's eyes were full of tears and they ran down onto Joan's belly as he pleaded with her to marry him.**

 **"Yes . . . Yes, Sherlock, I will. I will marry you."**

 **Sherlock lifted his head from Joan's belly and their lips met in a kiss that began gently and then quickly became passionate as Sherlock's mouth searched Joan's, opened it and possessed it in that unique way that was his alone and they both moaned as the surge of desire captured them and brought them together again in intercourse. The sensation of him stretching her open and sinking into the deepest part of her caused them to both gasp and groan.**

 **"Oh, God, God! Yes, I . . . I love you, Joan . . . so much!" Sherlock cried out. "Woman! Woman! Please believe in me! Please!"**

 **"Sherlock, I do. I do believe in you. Oh, Sherlock!"**

 **They made love in tears, both of them till they came to climax together, their bodies vibrating and trembling as the moment of ecstasy seized them both together.**

 **"Luv! Luv!" Sherlock cried out loud as his release came.**

 **"Sherlock . . . Sherlock," Joan wailed as her body melted in Sherlock's arms as she let go in capitulation, surrendering to Sherlock. "You fill me so! You fill me so . . . so deep inside me! Hold me, Sherlock!"**

 **Joan had an appointment with her doctor that morning and Sherlock insisted on accompanying her. Dr. Janet Winslow had been a classmate of Joan's in medical school and had been happy to accommodate her in spite of her busy practice. As they sat in the waiting room with other women and two other couples in various stages of pregnancy, Sherlock and Joan began to see the reality of where they had come in their relationship.**

 **Sherlock accompanied Joan into the examining room and watched with interest as the doctor put Joan into stirrups and proceeded to make her examination.**

 **"Well, my dear Joan, you are certainly pregnant, just a few weeks, but your uterus is already enlarged. Have you had any morning sickness?"**

 **"Not yet, but I know to expect it."**

 **"Yes, it will last for just a few weeks hopefully, but it goes along with most healthy pregnancies. After it ends, you will feel very good, very healthy, and you will be looking for this fellow here to attend to your heightened needs." Janet looked at Sherlock and smiled slightly.**

 **"Joan, you are forty and in your first pregnancy, so we must watch you very carefully. But you are in great health and should do well."**

 **Sherlock and Joan took their leave from the doctor and later that same day they made their way to downtown Manhattan and obtained a marriage license. Sherlock held Joan's hand or touched her in some way throughout the whole process and it was touching to see them together, so obviously in love and needing to be together. It meant so much more to Joan because she knew that all of this represented a 180 degree change in Sherlock's view of marriage.**

 **They left the courthouse holding hands seeing only the brilliant sunshine and the joy in each other's eyes. Sherlock took Joan up to the diamond district on 47th Street because he wanted to put a ring on her finger.**

 **"I don't need a ring, Sherlock."**

 **"I do. I want everyone to know that you are my woman. . . now and for always."**

 **Sherlock bent and kissed her standing on the street in Manhattan with people passing by on either side of them and then they hailed a taxi to the diamond district where Sherlock took her to a Jewish merchant he had done detective work for in the past. There he picked out a stunning full carat brown diamond engagement ring and placed it on her finger right there in the store and then kissed Joan full on her lips.**

 **"Let's get married quietly, Sherlock. It's only important to you and me right now. We can let our families know later, can't we?"**

 **"Whatever you want, luv. I just want to claim you and what you are carrying as mine. Whatever may happen to me through accident or mere stupidity on my part you and my child will be cared for. This will be my father's heir with every full legal standing. I'm not the ideal marriage prospect, but I love you and I want this taken care of."**

 **Sherlock caught his arm around Joan and kissed her soft cheek and led her back into the street where they took a taxi back to Brooklyn, sitting as close as possible, touching and caressing, trying to maintain some degree of composure because it was still day.**

 **"You know that I do not believe in organized religion so I would like to just go back to City Hall on Monday and get married there. Would that please you?"**

 **Joan nodded in acceptance of his idea and snuggled under his arm, contented.**

 **When Monday rolled around, they got up and dressed and prepared to go to City Hall. Just as they were preparing to leave Tommy Gregson and Marcus Bell came by unexpectedly to see how they were doing in the aftermath of Sherlock's relapse. It had been five weeks since Joan and Marcus had brought him back home from that terrible experience with Oscar.**

 **"Come in, Captain . . . Detective Bell, we were just leaving."**

 **"We just wanted to see how you two were doing. Didn't know whether you are feeling like doing some consulting, Sherlock," Gregson said.**

 **"Yes, I think that we probably are ready to take some cases. Actually we were just going to City Hall to get married. Perhaps you would like to come along."**

 **Gregson and Bell were stunned for a moment and then they clapped Sherlock on his shoulders and hugged Joan in congratulations.**

 **"We had no idea!"**

 **"We weren't going to tell anyone right now, but you are the logical ones to tell. Just keep it under your hat. Come along now!"**

 **So that is how Tommy Gregson and Marcus Bell stood with Sherlock and Joan as they took their marriage vows. Neither of them had ever seen Sherlock so emotional as when he said those vows. And when he lifted Joan's hands to his lips and kissed them and then kissed her lips tenderly to seal their vows, it was clear that what they had suspected all along was true. Sherlock and Joan were deeply in love.**

 **They insisted on taking the newly weds to Peter Luger's afterward for a fabulous steak dinner to celebrate and then they took them back to the brownstone to begin their married life together.**

 **"Well, Cap'n, what do you make of that?" Marcus said as they walked back to their car.**

 **"I think they have been headed to this point for a long time. I wish them the best, but I know it's going to be tough for her living with Sherlock some of the time."**

 **"When he relapsed and she held him the way she did, calling him her baby and all, I knew then that she really loved him. Joan was so devastated . . . when she saw him. He was a broken man, a mess, all exposed and filthy and she just pulled his clothes up on him, covered him up and held him in her arms. Man, I've never seen anything like that. He is always so buttoned up, you know. But seeing a man like Sherlock undone like that . . . practically naked . . . his dignity all blown away, was shocking. And he is quite an unusual male specimen, if you know what I mean . . . all hard muscle and tattoos and hung like an elephant, reduced to such a pitiful state, crying in his woman's arms."**

 **"Well, at least we don't have to wonder if he can take care of her along those lines, Marcus," Gregson said with a chuckle. "Life is a strange thing, isn't it? Sherlock always said he didn't believe in marriage or even monogamy. And now?"**

 **"He was so caught up in her when they were taking those vows. It was obviously a serious moment for both of them." Marcus paused. "Do you think she's pregnant? She kind of had that glow pregnant women have."**

 **"Well, if that is the case, we will know sooner rather than later," Gregson said sagely as they drove back to the precinct.**

 **Back at the brownstone, for the first time Sherlock picked Joan up and carried her over the threshold into the house and straight into their bedroom where he carefully undressed her and then undressed himself, lay down beside her and took her into his arms.**

 **"I want you to know, Joan, that although I am unwavering in my belief in the hypocrisy of religion, our relationship has made me seriously doubt my atheism. And the knowledge that you are carrying our child has only made me incredibly thankful to whomever is responsible for our present state. You are m-my beautiful wife. I-I have married you because I love you more than anyone else in the world, and I am just incredibly grateful that you accepted me. I never want to forget this first time we make love as a married couple."**

 **"I will always love you, Sherlock. You are my husband and we belong to each other now."**

 **"For the first time in our lives we are going to have coitus and it will not be fornication. Please let's just accept me, luv, and know that I take nothing for granted. I am so in love with you. I need you so much that I can hardly wait from one opportunity to the next to be with you, Joan."**

 **Sherlock began to search Joan's mouth with kiss after kiss. And then he began to weep as the kiss deepened into the passionate kisses that they knew so well.**

 **"I need you, wife. I need you so completely that I can hardly breathe, Joan. Will you give me yourself as my wife tonight?"**

 **"Yes, Sherlock, I will take you into my body . . . into the Jade Gate. I want to always pleasure you, give you whatever you need to care for your passions. Sherlock . . . baby," Joan's voice broke as she began to cry as well when Sherlock began to kiss her neck, then to tenderly suckle at her swollen breasts as his sensitive fingers roved all over her body.**

 **Sherlock crouched over her as Joan opened her legs and arms to him welcoming him into her body as her husband for the first time. When their parts joined, they both cried out in ecstasy and began to rock rhythmically together as they wept for joy. They were so excited as they began to quiver and vibrate and Sherlock began to thrust so powerfully that Joan wailed his name as she received each thrust.**

 **"Ooh, Sherlock . . . my husband! Sherlock, yes! Yes! I belong to you!"**

 **"Take it easy, luv. We are going to make love all night long. Take it easy."**

 **"Sherlock, I can't help it. I can't hold anything back. You know how I am! Ooh, yes! Yes!"**

 **Joan bit Sherlock on his clavicle in the throes of ecstasy. She was lost in the moment, her eyes rolling back into her head, her whole body beginning to jerk in spasm after spasm. When Sherlock felt her bite him, his brain exploded in brilliant blue lights as he began to ejaculate and deliver his semen. And then they both shared that incredible moment when Joan surrendered, capitulated to him.**

 **"Sherlock . . . I'm yours . . . completely."**

 **"Joan . . . Joan . . . woman, I am yours and yours only. I love you so. Oh, God, Joan!" Sherlock kissed Joan all over her face as she lay conquered in his arms and then he groaned in his desire to take her again."Oh, Joan . . . Joan."**

 **Sherlock and Joan went on a brief wedding trip to a property of his father up near Lake Placid. They stayed, or better said, hibernated in a cabin near the lake for a week. The trip consisted of long walks each day enjoying the lake and the rest of the time they spent in bed, unable to get enough of each other.**

 **A couple days after their return to New York Joan began experiencing debilitating morning sickness. Sherlock was properly penitent as he followed her back and forth to the bathroom as she seemed to vomit nonstop for days, wiping her face with a cool wet cloth to calm her after each episode, lying beside her in bed holding her as wave after wave of nausea engulfed her, making her gag helplessly.**

 **"I'm so sick, Sherlock. Just go and leave me to my misery."**

 **"It's ours, luv . . . our misery. Did you leave me when I was suffering withdrawal? Don't you know that I'm here for the long haul?"**

 **When Joan was too sick to wash her own body, he picked her up and took her to the bathroom, placed her in a tub of warm water, and gently bathed her and washed her hair. Then he tenderly dried her body and braided her hair for her.**

 **"I'm sorry, Sherlock . . . sorry, I'm so out of it."**

 **"Don't apologize, luv. I did this to you."**

 **"But I wanted you to do it. I wanted your baby."**

 **Sherlock grinned for the first time since the morning sickness began.**

 **"I did too. I started wanting to impregnate you the first day we met. I kept telling myself that it was impossible . . . that I couldn't possibly want to impregnate anyone. But the longer that I continued around you, the more intense those feelings became. Now it appears that we have come full circle. I do love you so much, Joan."**

 **"Oh, Sherlock, I'm too sick right now. Don't tell me this now, " Joan said, gagging.**

 **The morning sickness was evidently over one night about three weeks later when Joan wakened Sherlock in the middle of the night, kissing him and touching him insistently.**

 **"I need you Sherlock, baby . . . Please wake up and take care of me."**

 **"Joan, luv . . . luv . . . umm. You're not sick?"**

 **"I think it's over, I woke up and I'm not nauseous."**

 **Sherlock caught Joan up in his arms and suddenly he was kissing her hungrily, feeling her body all over.**

 **"I'm not nauseous anymore, Sherlock," Joan said again in disbelief.**

 **"So now we can make love without you throwing up?"**

 **"I'm sure of it. I've been missing it so much."**

 **"Woman, you have no idea," Sherlock said wryly, as he kissed her tenderly in that favorite place of his behind her ear and then let his hands roam all over her body.**

 **"You're not angry with me, luv, for inflicting such misery upon you?"**

 **"I can't be angry with the man who has filled my womb. After my life went the way it did, I always thought that I would never have children. Then I met you and I began to fall in love with you that very first day. I think that is when I began to feel differently, but I knew that you did not believe in marriage and I would never want to bring a child into the world without the security and protection of its father."**

 **Sherlock kissed Joan.**

 **"I was a fool on that score. I know that now. Woman . . . You know that you have conquered me. You save my life every day that you motivate me to fight my addiction. You help me have hope in myself and in everything that is good. You waken in me every manly urge that exists and give me the opportunity to see myself as a part of the universe who has a part to play. You have taught me that love is of no human construct, that it originates somewhere above and beyond us."**

 **Joan put Sherlock's hand on her belly with one hand as she ruffled Sherlock's chestnut hair with the other.**

 **"I know that I love you so much that I want to put a beautiful child in your arms, Sherlock. I want you to have every reason to keep clean from your addiction. If having ten children would do it, I would sign up for that right now."**

 **Sherlock positioned himself between Joan's legs and pushed inside her as Joan moaned softly, welcoming him once again.**

 **"I'm here, luv. I promise that I will always try to be the father and husband you want me to be."**

 **Joan's eyes were full of tears as she moaned helplessly in his arms as he made love to her, rotating, swiveling inside her, giving her what she craved more than anything, then pushing and thrusting powerfully, and with each thrust touching and pressing upon the deepest part of her. The sensation of her cervix swelling and drawing him in even deeper, possessing him this way, sent Joan completely around the bend. She began to cry out and shake helplessly, her whole pelvis seized with spasms that rocked her to the foundations of her very soul and caused halos of blue and white light to explode in her brain.**

 **"Ooh, Sherlock, Sherlock! Help me, baby! Help . . . me!"**

 **Joan shook and quivered in his arms, scratching long red welts on his shoulders, as the spasms surged again and again deep in her belly and Sherlock was flushed deep red as he lost control, gasping in ecstasy, blinded by the rapture of his release, his whole body going rigid in that moment when he felt as if his testicles would explode.**

 **"Joan! Dear God! Aghrr! Aghrr!"**

 **"Sherlock . . . Yes . . . Yes! You're so deep inside me . . . so deep!"**

 **Joan felt the sensation of the bottom dropping out from under her as she capitulated, surrendering herself completely to him, as she wailed plaintively in his arms.**

 **They could not stop as the climax held them captive, caught up in all the powerful emotions of their love, leaving both of them gasping in their lovers' embrace.**

 **"I'm so in love with you . . . so in love. How did it take us so long to find this?" Sherlock whispered as he held Joan upon his chest smoothing her long hair as the sound of his heartbeat throbbed in her ears.**

 **"Umm, I don't know . . . know only that I love you . . . will always love you, that I have loved you from the first day we met, that I can't help myself."**

 **Sherlock drew the covers up over them as they began to drift off into the afterglow. He was constantly surprised at her capacity to endure his need to be on her daily and even multiple times some days, welcoming him without hesitation every single time. Her body had quickly become so attuned to his passionate needs that she stayed in some degree of tumescence most of the time, needing little or no wooing or foreplay to be ready for him. Now there were times she took the initiative and came looking for him as the hormones of pregnancy sent such urges through her that she would have to come and take Sherlock by the hand and lead him off to bed much to his delight.**

 **When the morning came, Sherlock wakened with Joan snoring softly on his chest. He smoothed her hair, stroking her, thankful to have her sharing his bed. He was still just beginning to fathom the treasure of her sensuality. When Joan gave herself to him, it erased the memory of every other woman he had been with in his life. And she was so generous in giving herself to him that it frequently brought him to tears when they were engaged sexually as now he had discovered that her libido was as strong as his and as adventurous as well. As a result of their constant lovemaking Sherlock was sleeping the best in years and the tics and other erratic movements that were a part of him had given way to a calm of sorts as they settled into their passionate married life awaiting the birth of their first child.**

 **When the three month mark from his relapse came, Sherlock's father contacted Joan to check on his progress. When Joan assured him that Sherlock had not relapsed, that he was going to his sobriety meetings and working regularly on cases again, he was quite gratified.**

 **"I am quite happy to hear that things are going well, my dear. I believe that congratulations are in order in that I hear that you and my son have married."**

 **"Yes, sir. We married shortly after you went back to London. It was somewhat sudden decision. We got married quietly."**

 **"I understand that Sherlock would not share such news with me, but I am happy nonetheless. I was notified by my estate barrister that such had taken place. I have made adjustments in my will to reflect this change of his marital status. Are you well, my dear Joan?"**

 **"Yes, I am quite well, sir," Joan said smiling at Sherlock as she spoke, sensing the veiled inquiry behind the elder Holmes' words.**

 **"Since things have settled down, I will not come now due to pressing business matters on this side of the ocean, but I plan to visit within the next two or three months to make my own inspection."**

 **When Joan put her phone aside, she looked at her now very grumpy** **husband.**

 **"So did I pass inspection with the old man?"**

 **"Yes, you did actually. And he heard through his sources that we had gotten married. He seemed happy about that fact, ergo the possibility of an heir."**

 **Sherlock's eyes twinkled as he looked at how Joan's figure had changed three months into pregnancy. They had not announced her pregnancy to their workmates as yet and Joan had been able camouflage her figure changes with loose layered clothing, but Sherlock was aware of every subtle change-the swollen breasts and soft roundness to her normally flat belly and he found it altogether lovely.**

 **Joan had arranged a luncheon date with her mother so that she could break the news of her marriage and impending motherhood. She regretted that she had taken so long to let her know what was going on in her life, but she knew how perceptive her mother was, how she would be unable to hide anything from her and when Mary Watson saw her daughter walk into the restaurant, she immediately discerned that she was pregnant.**

 **"Why haven't you told me that you're pregnant, Joan?"**

 **"Mother, I wanted to tell you but . . ."**

 **"You look radiant, Joan. But you know my viewpoint on your being an unwed mother."**

 **"I'm not unwed. I am a married woman. I have been married to Sherlock for three months."**

 **Mary Watson's mouth fell open in astonishment.**

 **"What? Why?"**

 **"One of these days I will tell you all the reasons things happened this way, but for now I want you to be happy for me, because I am happier than I have ever been in my life."**

 **"I guess I should not be surprised that you and Sherlock are finally really together. He is the only man to really capture your fancy."**

 **"Let's have lunch, mother. Sherlock will be along to plead for your forgiveness in a half hour. Now my baby is making me very hungry."**

 **When Sherlock came along, Mary Watson let herself thoroughly charmed by her now son-in-law and all fences were mended as they put Joan's mother in a taxi to send her home.**

 **The next week when Joan and Sherlock went to meet Gregson and Marcus on a case, Joan deliberately wore a knitted close-fitting shift that made her swelling belly and full breasts more than obvious.**

 **"I love that look," Sherlock said with a wink, pulling her up close to his hard muscled body and squeezing her hips.**

 **"Well, if they don't notice that I'm pregnant today, I'm going to have to revoke their licenses as detectives."**

 **Joan wore her loose trench coat when she walked into the precinct with Sherlock on that day. They were to meet with and interview the suspect on the case they were working on. When they walked into the interview room, Joan slipped out of her coat and walked around the table facing Gregson and Marcus.**

 **"Whoa! Hey, Joan, uh . . . Joan . . . Sherlock?"**

 **Marcus looked at Gregson who was truly speechless for a moment before he finally spoke.**

 **"Damned if you are not pregnant, Joan!" he said, grabbing Joan and hugging her and then Marcus did the same.**

 **"You old dog, Sherlock, you old married dog! I'm happy for you, man," Marcus said, slapping Sherlock on his back.**

 **"We wondered how long it would take you two to see it . . . what happened to us." Sherlock flushed as he stared at Joan, his eyes full of his love for her, looking more vulnerable than either Gregson or Marcus could ever remember. "We are . . .grateful . . . very grateful."**

 **Soon all their colleagues at the precinct became aware of the news and even Sherlock's harshest critics had to smile and offer their best wishes to the happy couple. Sherlock and Joan excused themselves early and went home to the brownstone with the blessing of their coworkers. As they walked into their house, Joan suddenly caught her belly.**

 **"Joan, luv, what is happening?"**

 **"I felt our baby move. Oh, Sherlock, I feel it."**

 **Sherlock picked Joan up and carried her to their bed and pulled up her dress so that her rounding belly was completely exposed and Sherlock kissed her all over her belly as Joan thrilled at the sensation of the life moving inside her.**

 **"God, you are so beautiful like this. No one can imagine how beautiful you are."**

 **Joan began to cry for joy as she took Sherlock's hand to the spot where she felt their baby moving. Sherlock kissed her over and over and their passions escalated till they were coming together in intercourse, confirming their love again.**

 **The next two months saw Joan's pregnancy rapidly advance before Sherlock's fascinated eyes. The movements and flutters she had begun to feel in her fifth month intensified and by the beginning of her sixth month her baby bump was obvious to anyone who saw her. They went together to have her ultrasound and Dr. Winslow was pleased to see them both. She was happy for Joan and she really liked Sherlock, especially because he was interested in every aspect of his wife's pregnancy.**

 **When Joan lay back on the table for the ultrasound, Sherlock was fascinated as the tiny fetus came into view.**

 **"There is your baby, Joan. Sherlock, do you see it? You want to know the sex of course?"**

 **"Yes, we do," Sherlock said.**

 **"Well, there is no question on this one. His penis is quite evident. Do you see it here?"**

 **"Yes, we do, doctor. I see my son. Oh, God!" Sherlock's eyes were full.**

 **Sherlock kissed Joan on her cheek and her hand and then he broke down and wept uncontrollably as he embraced Joan's belly. Dr. Winslow left the room to give them the privacy that they needed at this special moment.**

 **Sherlock and Joan were elated after seeing their little one on ultrasound. They left Dr. Winslow's office and headed home in a taxi looking forward to the last trimester of her pregnancy.**

 **"What do you want to name your son, Sherlock? Since we are having a son, I think you should decide."**

 **"What would you name him, luv?"**

 **"I would name him Ryland Watson Holmes."**

 **"I like that. So be it. Ryland is part of my father's name. You know I love you, Joan. At any rate my father will love you."**

 **"I think we need to try to mend things between you and your father. I think it will help you in every way."**

 **"You mean with my sobriety?"**

 **"Yes, knowing that your father is proud of you will be good for you."**

 **"I don't care what my father thinks of me. You know that! Stop trying to force me to reconcile with him," Sherlock said petulantly.**

 **"Sherlock, I love you. I am carrying your son in my belly. I only want what is good for you. I will not let you hurt yourself with this kind of negativity."**

 **They were home and Joan got out of the cab and marched up the steps to the house with Sherlock following close behind. He was immediately penitent as he saw her struggling to open the front door and get into the house.**

 **He took the key from her and opened the door and let her go into the house ahead of him. He had not seen her this angry in a very long time.**

 **"I'm sorry, Joan. You just don't understand the history between us. He fathered me with one of his employees, Mycroft's governess, no less! He forced her to give me up as an infant, paid her off, and sent her packing!"**

 **"Tell me something that I do not know. Your father admitted that same thing when I met him here six months ago. He said that he regretted the way things happened, but that he was trying to protect you, to give you a solid start in life. He gave you his name and status as his son, Sherlock. It may not have been the ideal way to handle matters, but it was a bad situation. Give him credit for some feelings, Sherlock. Are you going to go through your whole life blaming him for this?"**

 **"He did not let me be with my mother, Joan. When I was old enough to look for her myself, I was told that she was dead. I can't forgive that."**

 **"Sherlock . . Please! Stop this! Would you want him to have left her with an illegitimate child to raise? He gave you his name, educated you, gave you equality with Mycroft in every way. He did all that he knew. He told me that he loved your mother."**

 **"Joan, please do not take his side in this matter."**

 **"I am not taking his side. You have to forgive him, Sherlock, so that you can move on."**

 **"How would you feel if that baby in your belly would be taken from you at birth and you never saw him again?"**

 **"Please don't let this be about our baby, Sherlock," Joan said, clasping her round belly with her hands, her eyes filling with tears.**

 **Sherlock saw Joan's tears and his heart broke open and he took Joan into his arms and tenderly kissed her.**

 **"I don't want to make you unhappy, Joan. I'm sorry that things with my father are such a mess."**

 **"My own father is crazy and doesn't know who he really is most of the time, but you know that I love him. I love him, Sherlock, and I love you. Being pregnant brings all these positive emotions to the fore in me. I would hope that you would share these feelings with me."**

 **Sherlock drew her even tighter into his embrace and held her close, rubbing her pregnant belly all over.**

 **"I'm trying to get past what happened. I will try harder . . . because you want me to. I will try harder. I cannot bear your being angry with me because I need you too badly, woman. Please don't deny me what I need at this moment."**

 **"Sherlock, I will never deny you my love. I can't help loving you. Don't you know that by now?"**

 **Joan took Sherlock by his hands and kissed both his palms, inhaling the scent of him and wanting him, wanting him to hold her in his arms.**

 **"Do you need me, Joan?"**

 **"Yes, I want to get in our bed with you and have you talk to me . . . and make love to me the way you do, and hold my belly and talk to me about your son that I am carrying. I am so happy today, Sherlock, and I just want you to hold me and kiss me the way you did when we saw that ultrasound today."**

 **Sherlock's eyes filled and he nearly broke down in his wife's arms as he picked her up and carried her into their bedroom and laid her down on their bed, took her shoes off, and then kicked his own shoes off and lay down beside her and opened her sweater up so that he could kiss her swollen breasts and embrace her round belly. Then he pulled her slacks down and off so that she was completely exposed before him and laid his head against her belly.**

 **"I'm sorry, Joan. I was lacking in sensitivity earlier. I can be a complete arse sometimes. Please, luv, forgive me."**

 **"Please undress for me, Sherlock. I want to be with you now. I need my husband to make love to me."**

 **Sherlock stood up and shed his clothes and lay back down close to Joan, tenderly touching her all over her body and soon they were lost in each other, tenderly kissing, as they sought to find comfort in one another.**

 **"I'm so sorry to have upset you, luv. I will try to be better with my father . . . for your sake, because of you."**

 **"You are his son, Sherlock, and you look like he just spat you out. In spite of everything he loves you, and I want you to be able to put this baby in his arms. I want you to present him with his grandson. You can give him that, Sherlock. Will you try?"**

 **"Yes, I will try very hard. You make me better in so many ways, Joan."**

 **"Did you see our baby on the ultrasound, Sherlock? We made him and he is growing inside me and getting bigger every day. As a doctor, I understand all about human gestation, but there is nothing that could have prepared me for the sensation of your baby moving inside me. I am so stoked. And I hope he looks just like you, Sherlock," Joan said as she rubbed her swelling belly.**

 **"Well, he has one obvious similarity," Sherlock said with a smile, remembering how easy it was to determine the sex of their baby."**

 **"Sherlock . . . Please just make love to me this afternoon."**

 **"Yes, ma'am," Sherlock said with the endearing shyness he sometimes manifested as he smoothed Joan's hair back from her face so that he could claim her lips in a kiss that began gentle and tender and then intensified and became so passionate that Joan moaned softly in his arms.**

 **Sherlock wrapped his arms around Joan and they were soon lost in their own mysteries in their marriage bed.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Don't Leave Me This Way Chapter 4**

 **By phaedraphelan**

Summary: Sherlock and Joan continue to forge the bond between them in ways they could not have imagined. Serious Joanlock continues. Please feel free to review.

Disclaimer: Elementary is the artistic property of CBS and no infringement is intended.

 **As the third trimester of her pregnancy got underway, Joan felt very good physically. Her pregnant state was obvious to everyone now, and Sherlock was fascinated as he watched her belly continue to swell with the greatest interest. He lay beside her each night, his sensitive fingers exploring every inch of her, taking delight in every kick of their baby, becoming more and more concerned with Joan's safety as he saw her body taken over by her pregnant state. He took great delight in rubbing her belly all over with a special lotion he had made from queen bee jelly to prevent stretch marks as she stretched to accommodate her special load.**

 **"Sherlock, you make me feel so good when you massage my belly like this," Joan sighed as his hands moved down** **to massage her legs and ankles and finally her tiny feet.**

 **"I love to do this. I know that carrying the extra weight in your belly is stressful on your body, even though it is very beautiful. I just can't resist touching you."**

 **Joan blushed, still unable to easily receive Sherlock's complements when they were not in the throes of ecstasy.**

 **"Accept it, luv. You are altogether lovely. Your sleek slender figure has become so lush and full, as if you are a rose blooming, your breasts swelling and drooping like lovely teardrops as they prepare for your wee one."**

 **Sherlock kissed her dainty arches of her feet with his lips and then continued up her legs to her knees and then to her thighs and to the glorious forest that decorated her intimate parts.**

 **"Your hair is growing especially luxuriantly, Joanie. I love it. You know that."**

 **Joan knew it and left the area that he loved unattended. Her hair on her head had grown nearly six inches longer during pregnancy, thick and glossy far beyond its normal healthy beauty so that it hung to Joan's waist now and Sherlock loved nothing more than to waken with her ebony tresses spread all over his chest.**

 **Joan now welcomed him sexually, gladly accepting all of his ardent blandishments as they both became more and more excited till they came together in intercourse. Joan gladly accepted him inside her, moaning and sighing his name as he carefully arranged himself over her so as not to put pressure on her growing belly and swollen breasts.**

 **"Joan . . . Joan, I love you so," Sherlock whispered as he penetrated her completely, plumbing to the very deepest of her parts, finding it easy now to vocalize his feelings for her in moments like this. "Let me tell you . . . I need to tell you . . . my need for you eclipses everything else. I look into your eyes and I see all the mysteries of the universe hidden there. I will search forever to solve those and yet I know I will never find the answers to all the questions in my heart."**

 **It was a Sunday morning and Sherlock and Joan planned to do nothing except indulge themselves in each other to the greatest degree possible as they lingered in their marriage bed. Sherlock was as always rejuvenated by sexual activity and left Joan sleeping to recover from their sensual exertions. Sherlock showered and dressed in casual sweats and a tee shirt and went to attend to his bees up on the roof.**

 **Sitting on the roof in the late morning sunshine, he reflected on where he and Joan now found themselves as man and wife. He had always prided himself in that he had never really belonged to anyone, and yet now he so completely belonged to Joan and he was stunned at how satisfying it was to his psyche.**

 _ **How could we not have known this for so long? I knew the sexual attraction was there from the start, but I had considered that it would be a mere dalliance, a fling, a passing fancy, and nothing more than that. Dear God, how wrong I was! And how close I came to losing all that is important in life to me? I need her like I need the air I breathe. I cannot comprehend the depth of my love for her. And yet I do not fear this. All my sexual urges are centered and focused in her, in this one woman who sleeps with me every night of my life now. And I don't even know why she loves me. How can I possibly deserve such a gift in my life? All I know is that when she touches me, I become lost in a passionate vortex the likes of which I had never imagined.**_

 _ **When she picked me up from that filthy subway tunnel, high on drugs, nearly overdosed, I was such a wreck of a man, puking and pissing and stinking from my own mess on myself, crying like a wee one in her arms. The one thing I remember more than anything about that day is Joan holding me and soothing me the way that she did.**_

 **Sherlock's eyes filled suddenly as he remembered how near he had come to losing his life that day, to ending up like Oscar's sister Olivia, dead and rotting in that tunnel, and he shuddered uncontrollably as a sob caught in his throat.**

 **The strains of Sinatra singing floated up to the roof from his neighbor's brownstone. He was singing "How Deep Is the Ocean?" and in that moment Sherlock was taken with how apropos the words of the Irving Berlin standard were in his case as he gazed at the waters of the East River from his own rooftop.**

 _ **How much do I love you?** **I'll tell you no lie.** **How deep is the ocean?** **How high is the sky?**_

 _ **How many times in a day** **do I think of you?** **How many roses are** **covered with dew?**_

 _ **How far would I travel** **to be where you are?** **How far is the journey** **from here to a star?**_

 _ **And if I ever lost you, ho** **w much would I cry?** **How deep is the ocean?** **How high is the sky?**_

 **Sherlock gave way to tears and crossed his legs to counter the mixture of thankfulness and desire for Joan that surged through the deepest part of him. He knew her so well now, how she would respond sleepily if he came to her to calm his passions again, how she would smile that smile that was only shown to him, and open her arms to him and gladly calm the powerful carnal urges that overwhelmed him at times and give him peace in his flesh again. No woman of all of the many women Sherlock had been with in his life had been able to calm his passions so completely as Joan and this included Irene.**

 **Sherlock finally went down to make a late breakfast and bring it to Joan in bed. She was delighted with breakfast as she was constantly hungry these days because of the pregnancy. There was fresh fruit and scrambled eggs and toast and a pot of tea on the tray along with a folded note from Sherlock.**

 **"Should I read the note first, Sherlock?"**

 **"No, because I want you to eat this food without being . . . distracted, luv."**

 **Joan smiled and obediently ate along with Sherlock. He still loved to bring her breakfast in bed and did it several times every week.**

 **"You always liked to bring me breakfast in bed, baby."**

 **"Do you know why, Joan?"**

 **Joan looked at him wide-eyed, waiting for him to continue.**

 **"I admit that I always had designs on you. Bringing you breakfast in bed was just one way I could express my feelings. Just coming into your bedroom or going into your closet to select your clothes for the day gave me such a sensory overload and fed all sorts of dreams, luv. I never had lived with a woman, and you had no idea how fascinating the whole experience was to me. And it continues to be a constantly unfolding mystery."**

 **Joan smiled. "I was hoping that was what you would say."**

 **"Now you may read your note, my dearest Joan," Sherlock said with a shy smile.**

 **Joan unfolded the note and as she read it, she blushed all the way down to her nearly bare breasts. The graphic description of what was on his mind was typical of the things that Sherlock loved to whisper in her ear in private moments, but seeing the words on a piece of paper had a profound effect on her.**

 **Joan pressed the note to her lips and then put it down on the breakfast tray and set it aside on the dresser near their bed. Then she turned her attention to Sherlock, slipped his tee shirt and sweat pants off him and gave all her energy to pleasuring him for the rest of the morning. They thoroughly enjoyed making love in the morning in broad daylight with the sun shining in through their bedroom window on them. By the time they had satisfied themselves, the sun had passed over the brownstone so that their bed was in the shadows as they slept in each others arms into the early afternoon.**

 **Captain Gregson called them in late afternoon asking for help on a case and Sherlock was instantly ready, but Joan was still under the effect of the sensual afternoon they had passed.**

 **"Um, Sherlock, I am still woozy from being with you. Do you want to go along to the case?"**

 **Sherlock smiled tenderly at his wife, who lay in their bed with the sheet just barely covering her beautifully pregnant body, her eyes still showing that dreamy character that was a reminder of the passionate moments they had shared and it was all that he could do to refrain from getting back into bed with her.**

 **"Not a problem. Actually I have been thinking that you should stay away from active crime scenes till you have the baby. I believe it to be much too risky for you now," Sherlock said as he bent to kiss her lips gently but thoroughly.**

 **Joan wanted to protest, but she knew that what he said was true. The work they did was fraught with dangers, dangers that she wanted to protect her baby from at all costs. She thought of how Sherlock would be affected if she were hurt or lost the baby and she knew that she could not take that chance. He was much too fragile to withstand anything like that.**

 **"You are probably right, Sherlock."**

 **Joan's hands clasped her evident midsection as she realized how her priorities had changed with pregnancy. Sherlock kissed her tenderly on her forehead before dressing quickly and going to meet Gregson and Marcus.**

 **In the next couple months Joan confined her work to analysis and processing of evidence from the brownstone and stayed away from crime scenes. They both realized this to be the course of wisdom, and even more so as Joan rapidly became heavier in her final trimester.**

 **Joan was so full by the end of her eighth month that her breasts were swollen to triple their normal size and her navel ruptured and turned outward and Sherlock constantly just stared at her in wonder in her gravid state, as the results of their sexual liaison became fully evident.** **Sherlock became very concerned about her personal safety, especially since she was hardly able to defend herself with single stick in her condition. He especially was concerned about the security of the brownstone and had sat down to talk with Gregson about it.**

 **"I am in a quandary, Tommy. I am so concerned with keeping my Joan safe while she is so pregnant."**

 **"Yes, you did quite a job on your lady, Sherlock. She looks quite . . . healthy, I guess I should say. I am truly happy for both of you. Joan looks content and that speaks to your care and concern for her. You are obviously good for each other."**

 **Sherlock was in an extremely restless mode with his knees jumping in that nervous manner of his.**

 **"I just want to protect her. I never felt the need to protect anyone as I am experiencing now."**

 **"Sherlock, had you thought about getting a dog? Stats show that to be one sure fire way to protect your household. A German shepherd well-trained is one of the safest ways to handle that problem."**

 **Sherlock left the precinct and went by an animal rescue location that was nearby to see what was available. There was one shepherd mix that was a year old. He came to the side of his cage to sniff at Sherlock and slowly wagged his tail. Then he just lay down against the side of the cage that was close to Sherlock.**

 **"He just came in today. He was a candidate to be a seeing-eye dog, but his handler was killed in a car accident and he went into such a funk that it was impossible to keep him in the program," the young veterinary apprentice said. "If you want an excellent family pet and protector, this is an excellent selection."**

 **"My wife and I are expecting our first child any day now and this dog must be gentle with children."**

 **After being assured that this would be the best choice, Sherlock filled out the necessary paperwork and took the dog, named George, home with him. He immediately bonded with both Sherlock and Joan and ensconced himself in his own doggie bed at a vantage point on the landing between the first and parlor floor.**

 **It was at this point that Sherlock's father made an unannounced visit. It was a Friday evening in late August when Joan, much to her surprise, opened the door to reveal the elder Holmes, who was no less surprised to see his son's wife in a very advanced state of pregnancy. Joan was wearing just shorts and a large tee shirt stretched over her huge belly, her now swollen breasts dripping and causing damp spots on her olive colored tee shirt. Her long shining hair now hung to her waist and she positively glowed radiantly in her very pregnant state.**

 **"Jove! Lass, you are with child!" Sherlock' father exclaimed at the sight of Joan and spontaneously bent to hug her.**

 **"Sherlock, it's your father!" Joan called out and Sherlock came immediately, just in time to see his father hug Joan.**

 **"Come in, father. This is an unexpected surprise," Sherlock said, as he ushered his father into the parlor.**

 **"Well, I must say that you two have given me the ultimate surprise. My dear Joan, you are gloriously pregnant! Sherlock, my boy, you have done our family proud!"**

 **Sherlock found himself flushing before his father. He was thrilled to be fathering a son, but unprepared for his father's praise after so many years of his disapproval.**

 **"Please let me make tea. Come into the parlor," Joan said, welcoming her father-in-law into their home.**

 **Shortly they were sitting, having a cup of tea together.**

 **"Joan, you make an excellent cup of tea . . . excellent."**

 **"I have had a good teacher, sir," Joan said with a smile.**

 **The elder Holmes sat gazing with pride at Sherlock and Joan who sat side by side on the sofa. It was the first time he had had opportunity to observe the attachment between the two and it obviously pleased him.**

 **"Joan is carrying a male child, father. You will have your grandson, God willing."**

 **"Son, may I touch my grandson? Joan, dear, will you permit me?"**

 **Joan was sitting on the sofa, a literal prisoner of her belly these days and she just nodded to Sherlock's father and pulled up her tee shirt so that he could see and touch her bare belly. When he hesitated, Joan reached for his hands and placed them on her shining belly. At that moment, the baby moved and kicked on her side, the imprint of a tiny foot making its presence known. Joan moved her father-in-law's hand to where his grandson was kicking inside her and his eyes filled with tears. He bent forward and kissed Joan's belly gently before sitting back.**

 **Then he stood to go, unable to handle emotionally the moments that had passed between the three of them.**

 **"I must go, Sherlock. Son . . . I . . . don't know what to say except that I am so very proud to call you my son."**

 **He hugged Sherlock tightly and Sherlock hugged him back before he left to go back to his hotel.**

 **Sherlock turned and knelt down before Joan and took her hands in his and kissed her on her hands and then embraced her swollen belly and kissed it over and over as he knelt between her knees.**

 **"Joan, you gave me the gift of my own father. I never saw or felt what I felt from him this afternoon, just pure approval with no disclaimer, no negative word. Thank you, luv," Sherlock said, his eyes glistening with unshed tears.**

 **Sherlock helped Joan to her feet and bent to kiss her on her mouth.**

 **"Joan, please come and lie down with me. I am so overwhelmed with need to make love to you at this moment."**

 **He led Joan to their bedroom and they lay down together and Sherlock buried his face in her long hair and lay against Joan's back so that they could connect in the only way that was possible these days. She was so tumescent that no preparation was needed for her to easily accept him as they gave themselves to each other without restraint till Joan was trembling and fluttering, crying out to Sherlock when her release and surrender came.**

 **"Take it easy. Let me do the work, luv. Take it easy, Joanie."**

 **"Sherlock . . . Baby, I know. Please help me! I do love you so much."**

 **"Lord, Joan . . . Oh, Lord!"**

 **Sherlock's arms simply embraced Joan as his pelvis went into the spasms that would deliver his life force in spurt after spurt, leaving them both out of their heads in ecstasy, sweating in the summer evening's heat. As their bodies cooled, Sherlock drew the bed sheet up over them and cooed softly to her as they still lay spooning together.**

 **Sherlock's father immediately made arrangements for some improvements to the brownstone in view of the impending birth of his grandson. He had his architect send plans for Sherlock's approval which included an additional bathroom that would make Sherlock's room into a master suite with a nursery on the first floor and make improvements to the upstairs bathroom and in other areas of the house.**

 **Within the month after the visit of Sherlock's father the improvements in the brownstone had been completed and the master bedroom and nursery had been completed as well as the other work. All fitted in with the style of the old house and only served to enhance its charm.**

 **It was early September as Joan went into the final month of her pregnancy. Sherlock was afraid to leave her alone so he took time off from consulting, with Tommy Gregson's blessing, to await the birth of a new baby and assembled a stack of cold cases to occupy his mind while waiting for Joan's due date.**

 **Joan began to suffer severe leg cramps in her last months and Sherlock spent many nights rubbing her legs, seeking to give her relief. They had retired to the upper floor for two weeks while the architects made the needed renovations in the house. This meant that they used Joan's former bedroom and its proximity to the bathroom was critical as Joan needed to relieve herself nearly every hour and Sherlock felt better with her not having to negotiate the steps every time. Now that the renovations were completed they moved down to the master bedroom suite to await the impending birth.**

 **Sherlock and Joan went to used furniture stores till they found an antique baby bed and nursing rocker for the nursery. Joan then decorated the nursery with the blue and yellow fittings that Mrs. Hudson and her mother had given her and the effect was altogether charming.**

 **Joan's friends were thrilled to see Joan so happily pregnant and they finally began to see why she loved Sherlock so much. They had arranged a shower for her and had** **also given her baby clothes and all sorts of necessary and unnecessary things.**

 **"Joan, you are unbelievable! You sneaked and married Sherlock and then you went and got pregnant too! By the way, you look fabulous even though you are huge. Hope you don't get those stretch marks," Fran commented on Joan's radiant state as she, Emily and Fran shared a luncheon together.**

 **"Well, Sherlock makes this lotion from bee pollen that he rubs my belly with every night. He swears that it will prevent stretch marks."**

 **"So your man rubs your belly every night?" Emily stated mostly as a question.**

 **Joan blushed, long lashes fluttering, as she recalled Sherlock's tender ministrations.**

 **"He is very attentive . . . in every way . . . every way."**

 **"Well, that answers one question. Joan, you have to tell us about your lover one of these days. You just don't want to tell us. We know that he must be amazing to have fixed you up like this. You were never one to settle for second rate of anything," Emily said.**

 **"No, he is not second rate in any sense of the word. Sometimes we go at it all day and all night," Joan dropped the comment slyly. "There is no limit when it comes to Sherlock . . . no limit. And that is all I am going to say on that score. Which reminds me, I really have enjoyed being with you girls but I need to get home. And I have to save some energy for Sherlock. Seeing me like this makes him absolutely insatiable."**

 **Emily and Fran exchanged knowing glances and raised eyebrows as they helped Joan pull herself up from her chair and then put her in a taxi to go home to her man.**

 **When Joan arrived back at the brownstone, Sherlock was sitting at the stoop with George waiting for her so that he could help her up the steps and into the house. Seeing her with her huge belly in her bright red blouson maternity top and black tights was extremely stimulating to him. Her shining long hair was pulled up into a pony tail and she was so positively radiant that Sherlock caught his breath at the sight of her on this Saturday afternoon.**

 **Sherlock was in awe of what had happened to Joan as her body prepared to give and yet he was fearful too, even though Joan continually reminded him that women her size were responsible for giving birth to a quarter of the earth's population. Still as her belly became so large that she could hardly walk, he became increasingly anxious for her.**

 **Now as Sherlock helped Joan into the house and into the parlor he was even more aware of her need for his protection at this time. He had never seen her more vulnerable. George wagged his tail happily as he followed them into the brownstone and then left them to their own devices.**

 **"Joan, luv, I missed you when you were with your friends. I am so used to being with you constantly these days." Sherlock said as he bent to kiss her on her cheek as his hand gently rubbed her belly. "Umm, you are gorgeous today."**

 **Joan smiled contentedly at him in that mysterious way he knew so well.**

 **"I told the girls that I had to save some energy for you," she said as she pulled up her top so that Sherlock could touch her bare skin.**

 **Sherlock knew that Joan needed him and he picked her up in his arms and carried her to their bedroom and laid her on their bed and, as he lay down facing her, he smoothed her hair back from her face and began to kiss her mouth, at first gently and then more and more passionately.**

 **"I will do whatever you want me to do, luv. I just don't want to harm you or our wee one in any way. You tend to get so excited, luv. And you know that I am totally carried away with you."**

 **"Just take your clothes off and help me take mine off and lie next to me. I need you close to me, Sherlock."**

 **Sherlock stood up and slipped his shirt and trousers off and then he helped Joan undress and then lay down next to her, kissing her all over her belly and her swollen breasts as Joan sighed and sighed. All the while Sherlock and Joan felt themselves flushing deeply as desire surged powerfully in both of them.**

 **"I see you and I see all that is ripe and fertile in the universe in the fullness of your belly. Are you as satisfied as you seem to be, luv?"**

 **"Yes, Sherlock, I feel so full and complete with your baby inside of me. I cannot describe to you how happy I am to be carrying for you."**

 **Sherlock continued to kiss Joan's mouth passionately, alternately tasting the inside of her mouth and then nipping her lips gently till she reached to touch him intimately, causing him to moan softly.**

 **"Let me take care of you. You need me to take care of this, Sherlock."**

 **"Luv . . . Luv," Sherlock whispered as he turned her so that he could lie against her back and enter her without putting pressure on her belly. "Dear God . . . Joan . . ."**

 **Joan trembled and shook as her body welcomed his. Sherlock whispered to her words of love in her ear to calm her but Joan was softly wailing his name, her hands gripping his as they moved in rhythm together.**

 **"Don't hold back . . . please don't hold back. Just love me . . . love me, Sherlock. I'm having your baby soon. Ooh, Sherlock! Hold me!"**

 **"Yes, you are. Do you know how proud I am . . . when I walk with you are you are so-so full like this, how proud I am for everyone to know that you . . . you chose me?" Sherlock's voice caught in his throat as he felt such ecstasy that he could no longer speak a lucid thought. "Oh dear God! God! Joan, luv! I'm in ecstasy!"**

 **As his pelvis began to jerk, Sherlock saw stars and cried out in rapture as he held his woman's hips tightly joined to him.**

 **"Sherlock! Sherlock! Yes!" Joan cried his name again as her body surrendered to his in the same way it had so many times before, her capitulation complete.**

 **And Sherlock held her close whispering soft endearments into her ear as Joan floated and then gradually fell asleep in his embrace.**

 **Joan's time to deliver came on a late September afternoon. She had asked Sherlock to help her up to go to relieve herself and suddenly her water broke and clear fluids began to run down her legs.**

 **"Sherlock! The baby . . . it's coming! Get those towels for me that I put aside!"**

 **Sherlock was nearly paralyzed with fear as he helped her back to the bed. She was already clutching her belly as the first pain came and Sherlock pushed the towels under her to catch the amniotic fluid.**

 **Almost as soon as the first pain ended, the second one followed and that was when Joan realized that her baby was coming much faster than she had anticipated.**

 **"Sherlock, you will have to help me. The baby is coming fast . . . faster!"**

 **Joan was trying to squirm out of her soaking wet shorts and Sherlock was quick to aid her at the same time as he called 911 on his cell phone.**

 **"My God, we have to get you to hospital!"**

 **"I won't get there in time. You have to help me, baby. The contractions are too close together."**

 **Joan naturally spread her legs as she already felt the pressure of the baby in her birth canal and she gritted her teeth, gripped her belly and knew instinctively that it was time to push.**

 **"Please hold up my legs up for me, Sherlock."**

 **Sherlock was frantic at this point seeing Joan lose all modesty and cry out as she succumbed to another severe labor pain as the baby's head descended so that it became visible. It was less than a half hour since the first contraction and the baby was already crowning.**

 **"I see the baby, Joan. Oh, dear God! He's coming! Damn! Where is that ambulance?"**

 **"Help me, Sherlock! I'm hurting so!"**

 **"I'm so sorry, luv . . . so sorry."**

 **Sherlock got onto the bed in front of her holding her knees up as Joan cried out in pain again as she pushed little Ryland Watson Holmes into the world into his hands.**

 **"Oh, God, Joan, he . . . he's here!" Sherlock was crying as he lifted his son, placed him in a towel and was transfixed at the sight and sound of the squalling infant. "He's beautiful!"**

 **Joan lay back, exhausted by the birthing process as the placenta slipped from her and Sherlock leaned forward and placed their son in her arms before kissing her gently upon her lips.**

 **Joan proceeded to examine little Ryland from head to toe, smiling all the while and finally put him to her breast where he latched on and began to nurse contentedly.**

 **At that moment their dog, George barked as the ambulance arrived at their door. Sherlock immediately went to let them in.**

 **"My wife . . . has given birth. Please, she's in here."**

 **Then Sherlock suddenly went pale and passed out cold in the arms of the EMS attendant who then worked to revive him as the other young nurse went to attend to Joan, tying off the umbilical cord and checking her vitals, before bundling her and little Ryland up to take all of them to hospital for a thorough checkup.**

 **It was several hours later when Sherlock and Joan finally were ensconced in her hospital room with little Ryland nursing happily at her breast. Joan was exhausted from the birthing process as evidenced by the dark circles under her eyes, but thrilled to be holding her healthy baby boy in her arms.**

 **"He is so beautiful, Sherlock. He looks just like you, except he doesn't have your blue green eyes. Eight pounds! No wonder I was so huge. I guess I did okay for an old lady."**

 **"You were beautiful pregnant, unbelievably so."**

 **"Well, you seemed to enjoy the pregnancy as much as I did."**

 **"But Joan, you gave me a fright . . . seeing you give birth like that. There was nothing I could do to help you when those pains were coming."**

 **Joan caught his hand in hers.**

 **"You helped me, Sherlock. You were there when our beautiful little boy was born."**

 **Sherlock leaned over and kissed Joan on her cheek and then on her lips very gently.**

 **"You fainted, Sherlock. Are you sure you are okay?"**

 **"I'll be fine. It's just not every day that your child is born right in front of you. I saw the most beautiful thing I have ever seen today when you pushed our son into the world."**

 **Noticing that the little one had finished nursing, Sherlock reached and took his infant son from Joan and into his own arms and the little one snuggled close to him as he recognized the sound of his father's voice and the familiar thump of his heartbeat. Sherlock's eyes filled with tears as he looked into the eyes of his son, and then kissed the top of his little ones head. Their baby had a full head of reddish hair, he had tiny freckles on his belly, and when he opened his eyes, they were brown like Joan's.**

 **"To think that I might have missed this, Joan, through sheer stupidity and lack of regard for my own life. You saved me and gave me the gift of our beautiful wee one."**

 **Sherlock sobbed, unable to hold back the emotions that were overwhelming him in that moment as he held his son in his arms.**


End file.
